The old failed actor genuinely believed this girl was of a lesser race. He believed she shouldn't be talking with me, shouldn't be here at this party, shouldn't be here in this country. He wanted a white England. I didn't really challenge him on it. Sometimes I justify it with thoughts like I was drunk, or baffled, or it isn't an argument I'll win, or he can't hear me anyway, or whatever. I didn't argue with him. I just cut off his rant and left with a pathetic "In a bit."
i see a website
Tue, 02 Dec 2025 11:29:50
Above and behind a window opens and a cigarette hangs out.
there's probably something in that, but I don't feel like thinking about it too much yet.
no longer writing in the third person
"Anyway, you're you. I mean, look at you!" she says. "You could get with anyone, anyone in the street. Really."
I know that if I try to make this entry any more than it is I will ruin it.
Above and in front two birds are darting in and out of a tree. Sometimes they collide to fight or maybe mate, but I can't really make it out in the low light. It's just after
dusk
, I have nothing to do, I'm watching them, trying to figure it out."Put a blanket."
I'm trying to picture the scene inside, like I was trying to picture the scene in the tree.
This is a website run by a narcissist who can't produce anything without the hope that it is seen and loved but can't act due to the fear of it being seen and hated. They immediately feel the need to ask Jack GPT to define whatever this feeling is in the hope that understanding it will mean control over it and control over it will mean that they can stop it.
something religious, a kind of complex,
it will get lighter
, something washing, cleansing, revealing, etc.Sun, 02 Nov 2025 23:49:08
I am below everything.
I wonder if she knew I was down there listening? I wonder if she would've said something more true, more personal, more raw, more heartfelt, more harsh, more seductive, more freeing, more exposing, more risky, more romantic, more rude, more honest, more anything, if there hadn't been an audience.
the point of this was to try and avoid this narcissistic death spiral I'm in by acting anonymously and impulsively. how can that feeling that even Jack can't describe paralyse me if my name isn't next to any of this? the excitement of believing I just need a new process has overcome me and I have cummed out an empty webpage.
hiding from the rain
After thinking and forgetting and thinking and forgetting
you cannot feed someone language, they have to speak