barren land
a lot of what i've been doing has been some imaginary screenshot or recording of his website, something that could be found within it
so at the end
i know a little bit of lacan which probably influences me in a way i cant articulate
i see a website
but i respect your search
it exists in my head in some way that i'm trying to get out i lied on my story a little bit because i'm mostly feeling it and thinking about it. feeling something deeply doesn't necessitate any kind of deep relevance or whatever but the thinking is useful
you have a beautiful account btw
He was a proper old-fashioned London geezer (cringe word, hate it, can't think of a better one, worst of all it's the correct word), kind of East Endy, kind of Real London, the kind you don't really meet but if you do it always feels like an uncanny immersive theatre experience. They're anachronistic. They only belong in the London collectively imagined by people who don't spend any time in it.
She closes the window. I wasn't paying attention anyway, I'm getting cold, and the birds are nowhere to be seen. I go inside.
It's loud and he's gone deaf in one ear, so I don't think he's really hearing anything I'm trying to say. We're both pretty drunk too. It's making for a kind of surreal interactive Business Insider YouTube video of a conversation. He talks, waits for my response, sees my mouth moving but doesn't hear my words, then he imagines something in their place, and replies to that. At least I don't really have to do anything but drink and mime and listen to a lot of bullshit fake gangster talk, being an actor, boxing, the old days, blah blah blah.
...
Their voices are saying they haven't and shouldn't fuck but want to so bad, or have fucked and can't again but want to so bad, or something like that. Would this be easier if they were birds? Incel kind of question... I'm not following the conversation, but I'm still listening. He's talking in this slightly begging way. It's a way of talking that asks for pity, like he's already tried appealing to every other one of her sensibilities. Incel kind of observation... Maybe he just talks like that, in some upspeak derivative. Haha unless?
Tue, 02 Dec 2025 11:29:50
Today I felt like starting
My inability to confront the old racist failed actor is distracting me. I decide not to tell her about it.
brb i will read and reply sincerely
Mon, 03 Nov 2025 08:38:49
amazing hopefully this was all legible and frankly i might be going very off board but you seemed interesting
Thu, 06 Nov 2025 23:18:46
to work in time to get to the timeless, perfection thru chaos
it holds me to something (you, now). I love editing!
much more tactility
but it is in my head and am i compelled to realise it, so it is my silmarillion, my tempelos
I'm trying to picture the scene inside, like I was trying to picture the scene in the tree.